Hi.
So it has been such a long time since I last wrote here...
I did lose interest in writing, mostly because things had been a big roller coaster ride with my husband from oct last year and I went through new year 2015 handling a difficult project go live and a husband who refused to get out of bed. Writing these stories would mean re-living it again and honestly, it's a phase of my life that i would like to wipe out forever.
Anyways to cut a long story short, husband did try giving up the anti depressants. However, as I said, it reduced his life to the confines of his bed. He simply refused to get up, to eat and to function, like normal. I had to scream at him to get up, cry in the bathroom and silently hate myself for being me. I hated everything, to my house, my husband, everyone i come in contact with, myself and god. Even wondered if suicide would be good, since i could not find a reason to live.
Eh wait, i am not supposed to be writing this down. I really shouldn't.
So he lost the battle to let go of the meds, and all other alternatives like ayurveda and ah..i forgot the name...ah homeopathy didn't work. One homeopathy doctor promised he will be back to normal like 3 weeks, was all ego-ish too...well well, it didn't work and i wanted to hurl the meds to his face...but whatever...i sound so angry don't i? Actually i am not angry...coz i am in a happy place now.
I gave up and took him to see a good doctor, who adviced us to let the other meds flush out first, gave us time and then things didnt work out, so he suggested a very low dose of meds to keep him up..it got him a little better, just a little and then there were some bad news from the work place which hit us hard, both of us hard so it all spiralled back and then, i had to rush him to the emergency room of a hospital because he kept insisting on killing himself...we had a huge fight before we actually went because i was so tired, so tired of a healthy man behaving like he is sick...it is so hard to understand depression you know.....so when we were finally there at the hospital i had to witness a horrific scene...u see in government hospitals, the depressed people and people with actual mental disorders are warded together in the emergency rooms, so i witnessed a really terrifying scene of a man go berserk, with guards trying to sedate him. Something inside me snapped that time, I wished to God, please don't let my husband become that man...i quickly asked the doctors to discharge him and took him back, telling him , actually scolding him ...life is much better at home than the emergency room.
Around this time, was the new year and since my project deadline was progressing rapidly, i could no longer handle the stress and my mother in law and father in law came over to stay with us for a few days. On new year's day, my brother in law came to pick both father and mother in law to go to temple and i remember vividly looking at my sister in law, dressed in her saree going to the temple with her husband, and looking at myself, in my old clothes and my tired face in the mirror and running to the toilet to cry after they left...gosh...the memories...its coming back now...i pushed it all to the back of my head but as i writing this, it feels like having bile pushed down my throat...
This went on and my project successfully went live and i have no idea how i managed it all, until one fine day the doctor told me, now you choose, you want to get him to take stronger medications and continue like this...i was given the medicines and i went home and broke down and cried again, and then wiped my tears and decided, i had to choose the lesser between two evils. So bye bye baby...i can kiss goodbye about getting pregnant naturally and asked him to take the medicines once again...
A few days later, for the first time in months, I saw my husband getting up from the bed and asking for food and smiling. Forget miracles of seeing god's face in the clouds or the sky..this was a miracle to me, a joy so great i wanted to leap to the moon and back...and if god was a man, i would literally wash his feet with tears of joy...
And so...things are slowly improving now..he is smiling, laughing, eating, we went out for movies, went to eat good food in restaurants, he is making jokes, disturbing me, talking on the phone, helping me with laundry, meeting friends....basically he is back to being my wonderful husband now..i cannot tell you how i feel right now..every single day i see him smile, i know how precious that smile is...
Of course, the side effects are back....weight issues, bedroom issues, liver tests are fine so far..thank god, restless legs etc...when he tells me the issues, i wish i could take it all away but like i said, sometimes you need to choose the lesser of two evils...
Antidepressent...one tiny pill, that decides the course of my life.
P/s: Pardon the hastily typed post. I wanted to get it out as soon as i could so i dont have to re-live it for too long..